Waves

Does anyone else ever feel like their life is just a series of waves? Sometimes the waves are slow and long, and sometimes they come so fast you feel like you can't quite catch your breath. Yeah, me too.

Ever since I lost the baby, it has been so weird to be around people who have little kids. I feel one of two things. The first is an intense jealousy that they are parents. This one I feel even for parents with kids up through early elementary school. I see a little boy running across the room with a toy in his hands and I just want to swoop him up and take him home with me. I see a little girl with pigtails in her hair and I wish I was the one who had put them there. I see parents who's kids are driving them nuts so they send them away, and I just wish that I had one to drive me nuts.

The second thing I feel is a desperate fear. Before I got pregnant, I wanted a baby, but I don't think I had a fraction of an idea of how much I wanted one. Now I sometimes catch myself playing the age old game of "What IF?" What if I can't get pregnant again? What if I lose another baby? What if that brief 10 weeks is all I got? What if I never get to see another heartbeat on the monitor? What if I never see another plus sign on a pregnancy test? I know these are all fairly irrational fears; if we got pregnant once, it will most likely happen again. But the fears are still there. When I see a little kid, the fears can come crashing in around me. Definitely not my favorite.

So these are the waves that threaten to overtake me sometimes. They come fast and hard, and then they go away again almost as quickly. I'm just looking forward to having them go away completely. When I'm holding that little one in my arms, I'll get to have a whole new set of waves. Bring 'em on!