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Last night I read an article that really bugged me. This lady got fired from her position as an EMT and it is thought that it was because she made some inappropriate comments about her boss on her Facebook page. Everyone was jumping to this lady's defense saying that she has the right to free speech. But seriously, she posted it in a very public place, and it would have been easy for someone to find it, print it, and give it to the boss. Was the boss then supposed to just sit there and say, "Well, she said it on her own time, so it doesn't matter."? My thought is NO!!! Come on, seriously, take some responsibility for the fact that in a moment of anger, you wrote something really stupid, and you got fired over it. Also there was this little matter of the fact that she had been written up a couple of times already that week, which is probably why she was mad at the boss in the first place. Good grief. Let's all just sue the world for everything!

On a house note, things are going pretty well. We still haven't found Mike's dress shoes, so a run to Target to get some was necessary yesterday, but otherwise things are going great! The cats love this place, but I think they run so much that they make themselves hungry. It seems like we have to feed them more to keep them from yelling at us. Today was the first day of trash pickup, and apparently they come at 6:30. They grabbed them from the side of the house for us, but next week we'll have to remember to put them out Tuesday night instead of Wednesday morning. I'm certainly not getting up that early to put them out!

Anyone out there ever made curtains? I need to sew some for our bedroom as I can't find anything I actually like, and I'm pretty sure I don't want blankets stretched over my windows for the rest of my life. If anyone has any mistakes to avoid or tips, I'd love to hear them!

Updates

So the day after my last update, I began a month long "vacation" from regular internet usage. Meaning our neighbors, who's internet we had been borrowing, security encoded their account. And since we were moving in a month and didn't want to pay for two installation feeds in one month, we just used our phones to access the internet until we moved into our new house. I love all my faithful readers (that means you, Sydney) but there is no way that blogging was going to occur on my phone.

So, a newish month, and a new house. I've managed to find my sweatpants, my toothbrush, and my shampoo, so I feel like I'm doing pretty good. A crew of amazing ladies have unpacked 95% of my kitchen supplies, so I can even make myself some breakfast! Also, I'm just going to say that I love having a washing machine IN my abode. And it is so quite I don't even know it is running until it sings me a little song when it is done. Ahhhh, this is the good life!

Starting tomorrow

I am going to attempt to blog every day for the month of October. Let's see how it goes! Lots will be happening, which should make it a little easier! We will be starting baby birthing classes, which will be a lot of fun! Mike and I will hopefully be helping out with the Children's Christmas musical, which should also be a lot of fun. We will be waiting and waiting and waiting to close on our house, which will not be so much fun, but will be very exciting at the end of the month! And of course our little baby will be continuing to grow. Hmmm, I may even post weekly pictures of how the baby bump is progressing.

Cruddy Day

So yesterday when I said that morning sickness was getting better, I spoke optimistically and far too early. Today has been the day from hell. I wasn't able to keep anything, even water, down until about 4:30. I had a chicken burrito from Taco Bell and then fell asleep. I got to keep it until about 7:30, but then it too departed from me. I'm laying in my bed now trying to fight the urge to go do what is now so normal for me. Is it bad that I've actually turned a five gallon bucket into a stool so I don't have to sit on the floor in the bathroom? It really does make throwing up much less nasty. Firstly, your face is above the bowl, not right smack in it. Also, it can be very helpful when you want to just sit there and feel miserable. I also think it helps clear everything out easier. I'm working with gravity, not apart from it. I have placed a hand towel over the bottom of the bucket, so I even have a slightly padded seat. Today I have been using a dark red towel. I feel like royalty! Anyway, all this to say, today has sucked. If tomorrow is not at least somewhat better, I'm going to just cry. But! I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow. Should be exciting!

Pregnant again

So I have felt like I couldn't blog adequately until I could freely admit that Mike and I are expecting again. We hit 12 weeks this past week, so we are pretty much in the clear as far as first trimester difficulties. This pregnancy has been as different as night and day from the last one. Firstly, I've been horribly morning sick. Luckily this has been getting much better. Its pretty much just settled into throwing up some time after dinner. I can handle that! I'll chronicle more of the differences soon, but for now, I'm going to go visit the porcelain throne and see if I can maintain my raspberries and grilled cheese.

my dinner

I feel the need to blog about my dinner. I am going to have baked potatoes with chili and it will be delicious.

Waves

Does anyone else ever feel like their life is just a series of waves? Sometimes the waves are slow and long, and sometimes they come so fast you feel like you can't quite catch your breath. Yeah, me too.

Ever since I lost the baby, it has been so weird to be around people who have little kids. I feel one of two things. The first is an intense jealousy that they are parents. This one I feel even for parents with kids up through early elementary school. I see a little boy running across the room with a toy in his hands and I just want to swoop him up and take him home with me. I see a little girl with pigtails in her hair and I wish I was the one who had put them there. I see parents who's kids are driving them nuts so they send them away, and I just wish that I had one to drive me nuts.

The second thing I feel is a desperate fear. Before I got pregnant, I wanted a baby, but I don't think I had a fraction of an idea of how much I wanted one. Now I sometimes catch myself playing the age old game of "What IF?" What if I can't get pregnant again? What if I lose another baby? What if that brief 10 weeks is all I got? What if I never get to see another heartbeat on the monitor? What if I never see another plus sign on a pregnancy test? I know these are all fairly irrational fears; if we got pregnant once, it will most likely happen again. But the fears are still there. When I see a little kid, the fears can come crashing in around me. Definitely not my favorite.

So these are the waves that threaten to overtake me sometimes. They come fast and hard, and then they go away again almost as quickly. I'm just looking forward to having them go away completely. When I'm holding that little one in my arms, I'll get to have a whole new set of waves. Bring 'em on!

Ouch

Mike took me to the gym today, and since I asked him to, he put me through the paces with the weight machines. Now I hurt. And tomorrow I will die when I fall down the stairs because I cannot support my own weight. And then many people will cry. It is very sad.

Birthday

I am no longer 25. I am officially 26. There are some advantages to this, for instance I now always have something to moan about. "I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20!" I also no longer have to think of myself as in the same category as those youngsters in their early twenties. I think I'm going to like be 26. It seems to be the perfect balance of being grown up, yet still young. In fact, I think that 27 and 28 will be that way as well. In the year I am 26 I would like to get some more classes under my belt. I would like to have a baby. I would like to figure out how to make a souffle. I would like to travel somewhere just for fun, and not to visit anyone or to do something, but just because Mike and I want to go. I would also like to perhaps get the middle room in my apartment organized. That might be a bit of a stretch, but we'll see. Happy Birthday to me. And thanks, Mom, for having me. I'm pretty glad I was born.

Follow Up

So in case anyone is wondering how Mike and I are doing following the miscarriage, I'm going to just say it varies. Some days are good, some days I cry, and some days I almost feel as though it never happened. Mike is doing very well too. The "anniversary" was this weekend, and it has been a little rougher, but nothing we can't handle. Thanks again to all our friends who have been so supportive. I don't know how we would have gotten through all of this without you! Muah!

6 o'clock AM

Mike and I got a companion for Catpernicus the other day. We named her Frost Bite because she was left out in the cold this winter and about half of each ear froze off. It is very sad. Anyway, the plan was to keep Catpernicus and Frost Bite separated for the first week, but Frost Bite really was quite sick of the room and closet that we had set up as her safe room. So, this weekend we have allowed Frost Bite and Catpernicus to begin getting to know each other. They aren't super fond of each other. Catpernicus has finally stopped hissing every time Frost Bite enters the room, as long as they remain at least 2 feet apart. But for the most part they try to stay in different rooms. Anyway, somehow Frost Bite snuck into our room last night, and at about 5:45 started crying to get out. Mike got up to let her out, he wanted to avoid litter box mishaps, and then stayed up for a bit. I tried to sleep for another 15 minutes or so, but it just wasn't happening, so I was up at 6 o'clock AM on a Sunday morning. It has been kind of nice. I've done some yoga, listened one more time to the songs we are going to do on the praise team this morning, drunk a couple glasses of water, and now I'm blogging! All before my alarm would have even gone off!!! (Sorry to those who really dislike multiple exclamation points. This morning I just have no other way to describe my excitement.) While I'm a far cry from saying that maybe I'll get up early every day, I must admit I kind of like this. I've gotten to watch it get light outside! Its all good stuff. But it is now 6:59, so it is time to start my normal day. It has to be a good day after this good of a start!

Monday Morning

I think I might be an insomniac. I keep almost falling asleep, and then I jerk awake because something decides to flash through either my mind or my body. Sometimes I think it is just excitement that I finally fell asleep. Anyway, I took no nap today or yesterday, so hopefully that will result in peacefully drifting off to sleep. If not, I'll experience yet another night of watching Friends all night long.

I'm getting ready to head out to Atlanta for a few days. One of Mike's coworker's children is going to come and take care of Catpernicus and Bandit for us. The house is basically clean, and after I do a load of laundry tomorrow, we will be ready to skeedaddle! I should be able to get together with a friend and a relative while I'm down there, and I'm definitely looking forward to that. Also, it is a nice hotel, and nice hotels just have the most comfortable bedspreads. mmmmmm.....

My Wonderful Husband

Most people who know me in real life know that I pretty much adore my husband. He matches me perfectly. He knows when I need him, and when he needs to back off. He intuitively knows exactly what will make me happy, and has a tremendous amount of grace when I ask him for anything. He can tell me "No" without making me feel crushed. Basically I just don't think there could be anyone who could serve as a better husband. (Even when I'm furious at him.)

Mike and my 4 year anniversary was last week. I've always enjoyed playing the, "4 years ago today" game, and I think about how much I thought I loved Mike. And I believe I really did love him, but wow has that love been so far surpassed. The first year or so of marriage seems like it is somewhat rough for a lot of people. You are getting used to living together, you have to figure out how to balance your money, your time, your energy, and the household chores. But it is a great time to figure out how you are going to approach every difficulty. You plan the rest of your life, looking forward to both good and bad times. But some difficulties can't be foreseen and planned for, and I hope people don't experience them in their first year of marriage very often. But they are often the ones that can break or strengthen a relationship.

How does one get through a move that absolutely breaks your heart? How do you get through having almost no friends in a brand new place. How do you get through losing a baby? How do you pull yourself back together and move forward? Without Mike, I don't know how I could do any of it. I don't know how else I would know how to say goodbye without having him by my side. Without having someone who in that first year of marriage decided that he could handle it when I don't know how to get through a difficulty, how to spend my money, how to spend my time, how to spend my energy, and even how to get through doing household chores. While I feel like I'm recovering remarkably well, it would have been impossible without that shoulder for me to lean on and that strength to hold me up. So Michael Aaron, I know you are going to read this, so I want to say THANK YOU. A thousand times.

Tuesdays

Suck. And that is all.
Monday - You can remember how much fun you had over the weekend. You feel excited to be embarking on a new week.
Tuesday- You remember why you like the weekend, but you feel like the week has just started.
Wednesday - You are half way through the week.
Thursday - Almost there!
Friday - Ahhhh, the weekend at last.

Also, I always seem to have doctor appointments on Tuesdays. Meh, not my favorite.

Back Home

Well, Mike and I are back from his business trip to Pierre. I had a good time there. I really didn't do much, but it was nice to just spend some time relaxing and hanging out. I'm not terribly impressed with the quality of the Chinese food in Pierre, but other than that, it was a cute little town.

It was so great to pick up Catpernicus last night. I think she has grown! She seemed a little angry with Mike and I when we first got her home, but she seems to have forgiven us. I slept on the couch for an hour or so last night, and she snuggled up on my chest. Well, snuggled up may not be quite the right way to describe it, it was more like she walked around on my chest for a while, and then she groomed herself while I tried to sleep. She is the noisiest cat when she is licking herself! Meh. It was a strong motivator to try sleeping in the bed again. But now she is sleeping next to me on the couch, and looks so peaceful!

Okay, I suppose I should try to get some stuff done. I'm very proud of myself, I walked to all three of the errands I needed to run this morning. But since I wore my Chacos for the first time this season, I have a couple of places where they rub me wrong every spring. I'll get those callouses started nice and early this year! I wonder how strong my Chaco lines will be this year. And if they will be more dirt or sun.

Day 7

Today is the seventh day after I lost my baby. I honestly cannot believe how well I am doing and feeling. I still cry sometimes, but at almost no time do I feel like my sadness/grief is out of control. I miss my baby, but I'm actually looking forward to trying again. I know that even if I have another baby, I will still wish I had this baby, but that is okay. Missing this baby is not incompatible with having another baby.

Without giving away all my secrets, one thing has really surprised me about losing this baby. Mike and I had picked out names for our baby, but I can't really make myself name the baby with the names I picked out. I don't think I will use the names again for future babies, but this baby doesn't have a name. I call her Baby. MY Baby. I have heard some people name their babies that they lose and that it helps them to grieve. I just can't. I've tried to call my baby by what I would have named her, but it doesn't stick. I love you, Baby.

Sometimes life sucks

So really, I am the worst blogger in the world. I rarely feel like I actually have something to say, and then when I have something inside me that I really want to express, I don't really want it plastered on the internet. So maybe I will chronicle my life, but not really my thoughts and feelings at this point. At least not all of them.

I lost my baby this past Wednesday. We've known for a couple of weeks that something was off, but with three ultrasounds to reassure us, as well as 3 doctors saying that the baby was just fine, the bleeding was normal, and that the smart money would be on a a healthy baby, we felt lulled into a semi-safe feeling. Until Tuesday, when even though what I was experiencing wasn't new, but once again I just felt like it probably wasn't right. Wednesday I went for another ultrasound, and I heard probably the worst sentence in my life. "Here is your baby, and the crown to rump shows about 9 weeks, but unfortunately there isn't a heartbeat." I already knew there wasn't a heart beat. I watched the tech search for it up and down and up and down for probably 3 minutes. 3 minutes where I hoped I was the stupidest person in the world and just couldn't see what everyone else would see. 3 minutes where I knew that as soon as someone spoke, my life would never be the same. 3 minutes where everything I might possibly have done wrong flashed through my mind. 3 minutes where I wanted time to just freeze. But time never freezes when we want it to, and unfortunately this was the time when I wanted it to more than any other time.

Flash forward a few days, and I'm still crying fairly frequently. Friends and family know what has happened. Flowers and casseroles are everywhere in my apartment. I keep putting my hand on my stomach, and then I catch myself and realize that all that is there is the cinnamon roll I ate. But I'm okay. My baby is gone, but somehow I know I'm going to be okay. Maybe it is my faith. Maybe it is my wonderful husband. Maybe it is because I'm just a strong person. Maybe it is just a fluke of nature. But I'm going to be okay. My baby is gone, and I miss her pretty much every second, but I'm going to be okay.

Panera

The internet that I have been stealing from a neighbor decided it no longer wanted to work today, so I am now parked at a Panera doing all of my internet related activities. It is kinda of funny, but I have this urge to tell everyone in the world that I'm pregnant. When I want to have decaf coffe, I feel the need to explain that I need decaf because I'm pregnant. When I signed up for a land-line, I felt like I needed to explain that I wanted a land-line, because I'm pregnant. when I wear the same pair of jeans 3 days in a row, I feel like I should explain that my other pants are too tight because I'm not allowed to lose weight, because I'm pregnant. When I hold my nose walking through the freshly painted hall, I want to tell the neighbors it is, because I'm pregnant. When I give a dirty look to the person smoking outside my apartment, I feel like explaining to them that they can't do that, because I'm pregnant. When I take a nap on my couch and the maintenance man comes to fix my leaky faucet, I want to tell him I was napping, because I'm pregnant. I've succeeded in NOT acting on the impulse for the majority of the above situations, but sometimes it just sneaks out. :) I guess I'm going to go check some more websites, because I'm pregnant!

Try this again

So I haven't blogged in quite a while. Probably 7 months if my math is right. As I have now discovered that I am pregnant, I think I will give it another try. Let me see, what all has changed since my last post. Oh wait, everything. Mike and I no longer live in Pennsylvania, but in South Dakota. Mike is working for the State of South Dakota in the Bureau of Personell. I am working for myself doing nothing, but only until my resume sending out proves to be fruitful. I now have only 1 guinea pig, but I DO have a cat, who is sleeping next to me right at this moment. And last but not least, I am expecting a baby. My due date is 10 - 10 -10. I think that would be a fantastic day to have a baby! I would never forget the birthday!

Funny story of the day. Last night Mike and I set a trap to see if the cat would try to walk on our counters when we wouldn't be able to catch her. We sprinkled flour all over the counters, thinking that if the cat walked on them we would be able to see it. Unfortunately there was a bit of water left on the counter from doing the dishes. I didn't want to make a big pasty mess, so I threw a paper towel over it, and thought I would clean it up in the morning. Well, remember when you were a kid in school and you would have to make models of things? What did you use? Paper Mache, right? And how do you make paper mache? You mix flour and water. So basically I had pasted a whole bunch of paper towels to my counter. At least it cleans up easily!