Suck. And that is all.
Monday - You can remember how much fun you had over the weekend. You feel excited to be embarking on a new week.
Tuesday- You remember why you like the weekend, but you feel like the week has just started.
Wednesday - You are half way through the week.
Thursday - Almost there!
Friday - Ahhhh, the weekend at last.
Also, I always seem to have doctor appointments on Tuesdays. Meh, not my favorite.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Back Home
Well, Mike and I are back from his business trip to Pierre. I had a good time there. I really didn't do much, but it was nice to just spend some time relaxing and hanging out. I'm not terribly impressed with the quality of the Chinese food in Pierre, but other than that, it was a cute little town.
It was so great to pick up Catpernicus last night. I think she has grown! She seemed a little angry with Mike and I when we first got her home, but she seems to have forgiven us. I slept on the couch for an hour or so last night, and she snuggled up on my chest. Well, snuggled up may not be quite the right way to describe it, it was more like she walked around on my chest for a while, and then she groomed herself while I tried to sleep. She is the noisiest cat when she is licking herself! Meh. It was a strong motivator to try sleeping in the bed again. But now she is sleeping next to me on the couch, and looks so peaceful!
Okay, I suppose I should try to get some stuff done. I'm very proud of myself, I walked to all three of the errands I needed to run this morning. But since I wore my Chacos for the first time this season, I have a couple of places where they rub me wrong every spring. I'll get those callouses started nice and early this year! I wonder how strong my Chaco lines will be this year. And if they will be more dirt or sun.
It was so great to pick up Catpernicus last night. I think she has grown! She seemed a little angry with Mike and I when we first got her home, but she seems to have forgiven us. I slept on the couch for an hour or so last night, and she snuggled up on my chest. Well, snuggled up may not be quite the right way to describe it, it was more like she walked around on my chest for a while, and then she groomed herself while I tried to sleep. She is the noisiest cat when she is licking herself! Meh. It was a strong motivator to try sleeping in the bed again. But now she is sleeping next to me on the couch, and looks so peaceful!
Okay, I suppose I should try to get some stuff done. I'm very proud of myself, I walked to all three of the errands I needed to run this morning. But since I wore my Chacos for the first time this season, I have a couple of places where they rub me wrong every spring. I'll get those callouses started nice and early this year! I wonder how strong my Chaco lines will be this year. And if they will be more dirt or sun.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Day 7
Today is the seventh day after I lost my baby. I honestly cannot believe how well I am doing and feeling. I still cry sometimes, but at almost no time do I feel like my sadness/grief is out of control. I miss my baby, but I'm actually looking forward to trying again. I know that even if I have another baby, I will still wish I had this baby, but that is okay. Missing this baby is not incompatible with having another baby.
Without giving away all my secrets, one thing has really surprised me about losing this baby. Mike and I had picked out names for our baby, but I can't really make myself name the baby with the names I picked out. I don't think I will use the names again for future babies, but this baby doesn't have a name. I call her Baby. MY Baby. I have heard some people name their babies that they lose and that it helps them to grieve. I just can't. I've tried to call my baby by what I would have named her, but it doesn't stick. I love you, Baby.
Without giving away all my secrets, one thing has really surprised me about losing this baby. Mike and I had picked out names for our baby, but I can't really make myself name the baby with the names I picked out. I don't think I will use the names again for future babies, but this baby doesn't have a name. I call her Baby. MY Baby. I have heard some people name their babies that they lose and that it helps them to grieve. I just can't. I've tried to call my baby by what I would have named her, but it doesn't stick. I love you, Baby.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Sometimes life sucks
So really, I am the worst blogger in the world. I rarely feel like I actually have something to say, and then when I have something inside me that I really want to express, I don't really want it plastered on the internet. So maybe I will chronicle my life, but not really my thoughts and feelings at this point. At least not all of them.
I lost my baby this past Wednesday. We've known for a couple of weeks that something was off, but with three ultrasounds to reassure us, as well as 3 doctors saying that the baby was just fine, the bleeding was normal, and that the smart money would be on a a healthy baby, we felt lulled into a semi-safe feeling. Until Tuesday, when even though what I was experiencing wasn't new, but once again I just felt like it probably wasn't right. Wednesday I went for another ultrasound, and I heard probably the worst sentence in my life. "Here is your baby, and the crown to rump shows about 9 weeks, but unfortunately there isn't a heartbeat." I already knew there wasn't a heart beat. I watched the tech search for it up and down and up and down for probably 3 minutes. 3 minutes where I hoped I was the stupidest person in the world and just couldn't see what everyone else would see. 3 minutes where I knew that as soon as someone spoke, my life would never be the same. 3 minutes where everything I might possibly have done wrong flashed through my mind. 3 minutes where I wanted time to just freeze. But time never freezes when we want it to, and unfortunately this was the time when I wanted it to more than any other time.
Flash forward a few days, and I'm still crying fairly frequently. Friends and family know what has happened. Flowers and casseroles are everywhere in my apartment. I keep putting my hand on my stomach, and then I catch myself and realize that all that is there is the cinnamon roll I ate. But I'm okay. My baby is gone, but somehow I know I'm going to be okay. Maybe it is my faith. Maybe it is my wonderful husband. Maybe it is because I'm just a strong person. Maybe it is just a fluke of nature. But I'm going to be okay. My baby is gone, and I miss her pretty much every second, but I'm going to be okay.
I lost my baby this past Wednesday. We've known for a couple of weeks that something was off, but with three ultrasounds to reassure us, as well as 3 doctors saying that the baby was just fine, the bleeding was normal, and that the smart money would be on a a healthy baby, we felt lulled into a semi-safe feeling. Until Tuesday, when even though what I was experiencing wasn't new, but once again I just felt like it probably wasn't right. Wednesday I went for another ultrasound, and I heard probably the worst sentence in my life. "Here is your baby, and the crown to rump shows about 9 weeks, but unfortunately there isn't a heartbeat." I already knew there wasn't a heart beat. I watched the tech search for it up and down and up and down for probably 3 minutes. 3 minutes where I hoped I was the stupidest person in the world and just couldn't see what everyone else would see. 3 minutes where I knew that as soon as someone spoke, my life would never be the same. 3 minutes where everything I might possibly have done wrong flashed through my mind. 3 minutes where I wanted time to just freeze. But time never freezes when we want it to, and unfortunately this was the time when I wanted it to more than any other time.
Flash forward a few days, and I'm still crying fairly frequently. Friends and family know what has happened. Flowers and casseroles are everywhere in my apartment. I keep putting my hand on my stomach, and then I catch myself and realize that all that is there is the cinnamon roll I ate. But I'm okay. My baby is gone, but somehow I know I'm going to be okay. Maybe it is my faith. Maybe it is my wonderful husband. Maybe it is because I'm just a strong person. Maybe it is just a fluke of nature. But I'm going to be okay. My baby is gone, and I miss her pretty much every second, but I'm going to be okay.
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