Waves

Does anyone else ever feel like their life is just a series of waves? Sometimes the waves are slow and long, and sometimes they come so fast you feel like you can't quite catch your breath. Yeah, me too.

Ever since I lost the baby, it has been so weird to be around people who have little kids. I feel one of two things. The first is an intense jealousy that they are parents. This one I feel even for parents with kids up through early elementary school. I see a little boy running across the room with a toy in his hands and I just want to swoop him up and take him home with me. I see a little girl with pigtails in her hair and I wish I was the one who had put them there. I see parents who's kids are driving them nuts so they send them away, and I just wish that I had one to drive me nuts.

The second thing I feel is a desperate fear. Before I got pregnant, I wanted a baby, but I don't think I had a fraction of an idea of how much I wanted one. Now I sometimes catch myself playing the age old game of "What IF?" What if I can't get pregnant again? What if I lose another baby? What if that brief 10 weeks is all I got? What if I never get to see another heartbeat on the monitor? What if I never see another plus sign on a pregnancy test? I know these are all fairly irrational fears; if we got pregnant once, it will most likely happen again. But the fears are still there. When I see a little kid, the fears can come crashing in around me. Definitely not my favorite.

So these are the waves that threaten to overtake me sometimes. They come fast and hard, and then they go away again almost as quickly. I'm just looking forward to having them go away completely. When I'm holding that little one in my arms, I'll get to have a whole new set of waves. Bring 'em on!

Ouch

Mike took me to the gym today, and since I asked him to, he put me through the paces with the weight machines. Now I hurt. And tomorrow I will die when I fall down the stairs because I cannot support my own weight. And then many people will cry. It is very sad.

Birthday

I am no longer 25. I am officially 26. There are some advantages to this, for instance I now always have something to moan about. "I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20!" I also no longer have to think of myself as in the same category as those youngsters in their early twenties. I think I'm going to like be 26. It seems to be the perfect balance of being grown up, yet still young. In fact, I think that 27 and 28 will be that way as well. In the year I am 26 I would like to get some more classes under my belt. I would like to have a baby. I would like to figure out how to make a souffle. I would like to travel somewhere just for fun, and not to visit anyone or to do something, but just because Mike and I want to go. I would also like to perhaps get the middle room in my apartment organized. That might be a bit of a stretch, but we'll see. Happy Birthday to me. And thanks, Mom, for having me. I'm pretty glad I was born.

Follow Up

So in case anyone is wondering how Mike and I are doing following the miscarriage, I'm going to just say it varies. Some days are good, some days I cry, and some days I almost feel as though it never happened. Mike is doing very well too. The "anniversary" was this weekend, and it has been a little rougher, but nothing we can't handle. Thanks again to all our friends who have been so supportive. I don't know how we would have gotten through all of this without you! Muah!

6 o'clock AM

Mike and I got a companion for Catpernicus the other day. We named her Frost Bite because she was left out in the cold this winter and about half of each ear froze off. It is very sad. Anyway, the plan was to keep Catpernicus and Frost Bite separated for the first week, but Frost Bite really was quite sick of the room and closet that we had set up as her safe room. So, this weekend we have allowed Frost Bite and Catpernicus to begin getting to know each other. They aren't super fond of each other. Catpernicus has finally stopped hissing every time Frost Bite enters the room, as long as they remain at least 2 feet apart. But for the most part they try to stay in different rooms. Anyway, somehow Frost Bite snuck into our room last night, and at about 5:45 started crying to get out. Mike got up to let her out, he wanted to avoid litter box mishaps, and then stayed up for a bit. I tried to sleep for another 15 minutes or so, but it just wasn't happening, so I was up at 6 o'clock AM on a Sunday morning. It has been kind of nice. I've done some yoga, listened one more time to the songs we are going to do on the praise team this morning, drunk a couple glasses of water, and now I'm blogging! All before my alarm would have even gone off!!! (Sorry to those who really dislike multiple exclamation points. This morning I just have no other way to describe my excitement.) While I'm a far cry from saying that maybe I'll get up early every day, I must admit I kind of like this. I've gotten to watch it get light outside! Its all good stuff. But it is now 6:59, so it is time to start my normal day. It has to be a good day after this good of a start!

Monday Morning

I think I might be an insomniac. I keep almost falling asleep, and then I jerk awake because something decides to flash through either my mind or my body. Sometimes I think it is just excitement that I finally fell asleep. Anyway, I took no nap today or yesterday, so hopefully that will result in peacefully drifting off to sleep. If not, I'll experience yet another night of watching Friends all night long.

I'm getting ready to head out to Atlanta for a few days. One of Mike's coworker's children is going to come and take care of Catpernicus and Bandit for us. The house is basically clean, and after I do a load of laundry tomorrow, we will be ready to skeedaddle! I should be able to get together with a friend and a relative while I'm down there, and I'm definitely looking forward to that. Also, it is a nice hotel, and nice hotels just have the most comfortable bedspreads. mmmmmm.....

My Wonderful Husband

Most people who know me in real life know that I pretty much adore my husband. He matches me perfectly. He knows when I need him, and when he needs to back off. He intuitively knows exactly what will make me happy, and has a tremendous amount of grace when I ask him for anything. He can tell me "No" without making me feel crushed. Basically I just don't think there could be anyone who could serve as a better husband. (Even when I'm furious at him.)

Mike and my 4 year anniversary was last week. I've always enjoyed playing the, "4 years ago today" game, and I think about how much I thought I loved Mike. And I believe I really did love him, but wow has that love been so far surpassed. The first year or so of marriage seems like it is somewhat rough for a lot of people. You are getting used to living together, you have to figure out how to balance your money, your time, your energy, and the household chores. But it is a great time to figure out how you are going to approach every difficulty. You plan the rest of your life, looking forward to both good and bad times. But some difficulties can't be foreseen and planned for, and I hope people don't experience them in their first year of marriage very often. But they are often the ones that can break or strengthen a relationship.

How does one get through a move that absolutely breaks your heart? How do you get through having almost no friends in a brand new place. How do you get through losing a baby? How do you pull yourself back together and move forward? Without Mike, I don't know how I could do any of it. I don't know how else I would know how to say goodbye without having him by my side. Without having someone who in that first year of marriage decided that he could handle it when I don't know how to get through a difficulty, how to spend my money, how to spend my time, how to spend my energy, and even how to get through doing household chores. While I feel like I'm recovering remarkably well, it would have been impossible without that shoulder for me to lean on and that strength to hold me up. So Michael Aaron, I know you are going to read this, so I want to say THANK YOU. A thousand times.